The Room

 When you look back on your life or even certain aspects of life, you see things that you did not expect to happen.  And yet at the same time, deep down inside, your were afraid of that very thing happening.  You decided to let hope have a chance, and it was the hardest thing you could possibly have done.  You were constantly fighting, each moment to go against my normal instinct. For awhile, life continued and nothing happened, everything was great.  It was so great, that you really started to have hope, that things would/could be different.  And you became comfortable in a new situation that you swore you would never be comfortable in.  AND THEN IT HAPPENED...as it always does.

Your life was crushed and you were left to pick up the pieces again.  But what do you do, when you realize that it is harder and harder every time something happens. It becomes harder and harder to pick up those pieces and to continue on.  Sure life goes on and doesn't stop, but the question is..."are you able to pick yourself up and shake off, or do you spend longer on your face each and every time, literally having to pull yourself up, until there is no way up?"
Well, for me the answer is, I have spent all this time on my face, trying to force myself to move and continue on, because there is no other choice.  I have not managed to regather myself and put myself back together.
Yes, eventually I will move on and things will go back to normal until the next major blowout in my life.  But I have decided that hope is not for me and it is useless and painfully damaging for me to hope.  This is about the end of hope's role in my life...and I can life with that.  So until the day comes where life moves on with me, here I sit riding that waves, just barely hanging on.