Its not that!!!! # 2

In continuance from the earlier post.....it's not that I have made sure since then I have not been home unless I absolutely had to...Its not that I played every sport I could (except stupid volleyball) just to avoid that place...it's not that I run insanely hours in early mornings and the late evenings just to make sure I am safe in a place that is no longer safe. It's not that at the beginning of this summer, I left home for 2 weeks and lived on the streets of Detroit with some friends, and found that those streets of one of the most dangerous cities in the country was safer then the place called my home...its not that no one even noticed I was gone for those 2 weeks. 

It is the fact that: my wrists have been sliced and drained in order to give an outlet for the pain that can't find its way out. 
It is the fact that: my tolerance for physical pain has increased for once again an outlet of the inner pain. 
It is the fact that: this summer, my 2 older brothers found out my youngest brothers had been brought into the pain and they stepped in and demanded a stop....its the fact that once again I was invisible and not worth making my own personal hell and torture being stopped. 
It is the fact that: as I sit here and write this I still have no voice and am still not heard. I am still broken and I fear at this point I may be too far gone and past saving myself. 
It is the fact that: there appears to be a way out, but am I brave enough to take it. Its the fact that if all this ended today, would I still be invisible or would anything change?

It is the fact that: would I have left an impact on any of the lives of the people who know me. Would my life have had a part in others lives. I feel so hopeless and worthless right now. I feel that my life doesn't have a point. It would help to be able see even a glimpse of the big picture, but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it, because it is the fact that: I don't even matter. 

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