Its not that!!!!!

My life is a fucked up mess at the moment. It's not that I was pregnant. It's not even that my family is out to disown me because I was pregnant. It's not even that I am only 16 and pregnant. I would have figured it out like so many other 16 year old have had to do. 

It's that I didn't have a say in this at all. It's not even that the one who got me pregnant was my father. It's not even that this was seen as a blemish on HIS reputation and that could never happen. Its that my voice didn't matter in this moment. So what is the issue you ask if these things that are so definitely issues are not it. 

Okay, so it may be a little of the fact that it was my father that did this and that as always we had to protect his perfect reputation and position. But more then that....it IS: 

Its the fact that I didn't have a choice in what came next. It's the fact that at 16, I was forced to have an abortion, with no consideration that this may have an impact on any future children or desires that I am have. It's the fact that, my father drove me to the abortion clinic, and on the drive he told me, "How could I do this to his reputation!??" It's the fact that at 16, he dropped me off at the clinic and took off and left me to go by myself. 

It's the fact that leading up to this moment in my young life, my voice had been squelched. Sure I screamed, yelled, prayed and begged for help from anyone who would hear. It's the fact that I was invisible because no one could hear me over the "the perfect family". Because the motto of the family was "it doesn't matter what happens at home, but when we are out, we are perfect!"

It's the fact that when I at the age of 16 entered the clinic, I saw the nurse at the clinic who I knew. She was the choir director of my church. It's the fact that this same woman was the mother of a friend I had told and whose mother told her daughter, my friend, "You can't believe anything she says, after all, she is one of those foster children who lie to get their way!"  It's the fact that when I entered the clinic and saw this nurse who knew the situation, took me into the clinic and told me. "Of course its always those foster children that are getting in trouble and bringing shame to their homes!" It's this!!!!  It's the fact, this woman knew the situation and couldn't see past the perfect light of someone upheld in the community. It's the fact at this point, once again broken and abused, I once again had no voice, no opportunity to fight. 

It's the fact that when this was finished and I was picked up by my father and climbed into the car, all he said was "You are going to have to fix this. I cannot have this on my name!" Those were the only words he said to me as we drove him. It's this!!!!   

It's what happened when I got home. My father sat me down at the table and lectured to me for an hour and a half about how abortion is wrong and there is never a situation where this is acceptable, and I just killed one of God's children's and that is unforgivable.  It's the fact after this, I gave up, I stopped fighting! What's the point anyway? It's not that but it's that!